Over the years on this blog I have tried hard to walk the line between being honest about my own life while still trying to respect the privacy of my family members. Once in a while I get out of balance with that, mostly when I’m overly stressed or just plain maxed out- and I’m afraid this is going to be one of those times…
Over the past few months *h and I have been going through an especially hard time. One of the medications I am on leaves me with the emotional sensitivity of a stapler- probably a broken stapler at that- and although *h has tried to be a trooper, it’s a real struggle to be married to someone with no emotional depth. The problem is that this is the one medicine that gives me decent relief from the skull-crushing headaches that I used to have every single day. And it is the only medicine I’ve been on that has been able to help at all. Trust me, I’ve tried tons (yes, alternative treatments too). I’ve been on this medicine before and had to go off of it for this very same reason, but this time I thought I could dodge the bullet. This time I was so enamored of life without migraines that I wanted to pretend I could cheat my fate. This time I was so numbed out and dumbed down by the medication that I didn’t care quite enough to pay attention that my personal life was circling the drain.
Last night I had a wake up call.
It doesn’t really matter what happened. What matters is this: I need to go down on my medicine. I need to take a dive back into the deep end of the pain pool. Knowing how frigid the water is makes it all that more hideous to jump back in, but I really have no other choice. The fact that I need to make this choice makes me want to scream. It makes me want to tear out my hair, rip up my face, rend my garments, and run barefoot over shards of glass through a forest until I lose the demon that is chasing me and I lose myself too. It makes me want to punch out the sky, strangle the oceans, and vomit all of my internal organs until they turn to dust.
The feeling that I can never get far enough away from my own self to have any peace is one that- to risk sounding redundant- I just haven’t made peace with. To be betrayed by myself, by my biology, by my physiology, by my chemistry, by my nature- it’s almost too much. It’s almost too many. That may not be grammatically correct, but it’s much more factually accurate.
We don’t often get the chance to show how much we are willing to sacrifice for our families. Here’s my opportunity to step up walk the walk that most people only wax poetic about when they first get married. *h puts up with a tremendous amount every day to keep our family afloat and it isn’t fair for him to suffer in silence.
I guess there isn’t too much more to say after that.