As hard as it is to believe that just a short while ago i sat here and blogged about how terrific I was doing, now I am sitting here listening to music while I type (which I never do)- hoping to drown out the reality of what I am saying. Which is that I have been in a major health crash.
I have had to give away my last chicken because I can’t even take care of her on a consistent basis and it’s at the point where it just isn’t fair to keep pushing that job onto my family (who was never on board with the whole chicken thing in the first place).
I have given up both dairy and coffee, which has left me feeling physically spent and in intractable pain. It has been over two weeks and rather than feeling the healing spirit wash over me I have felt beaten up and beaten down, but I’m sticking with it out of a deep sense of desperation that something just has to change for me or I will really just fall apart.
I hurt in places that are so illogical that my pain doctor and I are equally perplexed and are both left wondering why my nervous system seems to all-out hate me. I tried a new pain med the other night which seemed potentially promising but then kept me up all night throwing up so that was not a winner. But, I chalk it up to a learning experience that next time I need to try it in conjunction with an anti-nausea med on board and maybe it will be better. That, I think, is a medical low point… And it has left me so weak and depleted that today I had to use my wheelchair for the first time in literally years. Not a great memory to rehash for the family- but it is what it is, and things could always be worse…
On a happy note, we went to a wonderful family for lunch today and had an awesome time. I was mostly cognitively present- which isn’t always a given these days (yes, I have been in bad shape). I talk a lot of rubbish lately, not because I have an agenda, but because I open my mouth and nonsense spills out.
Out of the last hundred things I have cooked and baked I have gotten perhaps 40% correct and the rest have been missing ingredients although on any normal day I could make these things in my sleep.
Have I mentioned that I’m a little ragged lately?
Even this blog post is a chore. I have typed and re-typed a massive amount of the words because so much of it is jibberish. I have some sort of thoughts but they are more like free-floating bits of lint on the either that I’m struggling to grab before they dissolve like vapor…
So. I have wanted to post just to say hey, I’m alive. Here I am in all my lack of glory. I know this is super-temporary, which is why I’m not having a total freak-out- but I’m not me living in the shell of me.
For the first time since we moved to Seattle I am not going to the Mother Earth News Fair.
That’s so sad, and I can’t even get sad about it. I’m just too out of it.
This is me on neuro-shut down.
Like a brain on drugs without the drugs.
Not pretty, but real.
Looking forward to better times ahead.
and I have to quit typing and go back to bed.
Love and hugs to you all- so send me some back- I can use them!