(if you are easily offended, i suggest you skip this post)

in a world gone mad, these are some of the statements i believe people are making about themselves as they go about their lives in public:

a woman in a gym wearing work-out clothes: i am here to work out and to sweat. i didn’t wear designer duds because i am here to become stronger and fitter, not for a fashion show. a woman anywhere else wearing work-out clothes: for some reason i want you to think i am either on my way to or from a work-out. i want to give the impression that i am so very busy that i don’t even have time to change my clothes, when in reality i either feel fat today and want to wear stretchy clothes or i feel really skinny today and i want you to worship my hot body. i have real clothes in my closet, but i save those for times when i don’t want to make other women jealous.

an elderly indian woman with her nose pierced: i am a matriarch and i have the wisdom and grace of years to back it up. an elderly white woman with her nose pierced: i used to be a band whore and i am stuck reliving my glory days because i haven’t made anything of myself since then. most likely, i am only in my 30s and just look elderly because i have a fierce meth habit.

an african woman in a colorful head-wrap: i celebrate my country of origin and my womanhood. i am gorgeous like a flower and with my clothing choices, i sing my praises. an american woman in a colorful head-wrap: i once went on vacation to somewhere i considered exotic at the time, but i would never call it exotic because that would be americentric and paternalistic and i would never do that. i bought this wrap to be in solidarity with the natives, although i would acknowledge them as indigenous peoples and far superior in wisdom and compassion to my own supposedly more “civilized” people. this wrap reminds me of a time when my consciousness was on a higher plane and i wear it to remind you of that as well.

a black woman with dread locks: this is my hair and i will do with it what i please. you cannot dictate to me how it “should” look. i reject the notion that only straight stringy hair can be beautiful and by wearing my hair in dreads, i set my own standards of beauty. a white woman with dread locks: i have no racial heritage so i am going to poach yours and then act like this makes me a trend-setter. i will do something that white-girl hair was never in its natural state intended to do (if you are jewish you can skip this part) and then pretend i am fierce for defying society. ooooooooooooooh, fierce…

any woman of color in a sari: i have caramel-colored skin and i am voluptuous. no matter what size i am, my skin looks like folds of silk gently caressing my skeleton. i know i glow when i wear this sari, and i have thousands of years of cultural body confidence behind me to back it up. any caucasian wearing a sari: i am a poseur. i am trying too hard. i still look like a pasty white person, even though i am draped in fabric. the blouse things doesn’t work for me underneath and the overlay thing isn’t overly laying quite right. i’m not sure what statement i am trying to make, and that’s exactly the statement i’m making.

any person who dresses to match their pet, wears heels with a sweatsuit, still wears a nubby terrycloth band across their forehead but doesn’t play professional sports of some kind, accessorizes their cellphone more than their person, has a chain running from their earring to anything tacked into their face, or considers a roach clip a fashion statement, i have 4 words:

cut that out.

you can insert the 4th at your own discretion.


p.s. as a tribute to TFS- after this post i am seriously considering re-piercing my nose, so rock on…