a few days ago, as we doggedly refused to labor on labor day, i pondered america’s approach to several of these supposed holidays.

it takes a certain level of irony to appreciate the fact that if you have a truly important job, like an ER doctor or a cashier at target, you are probably actually working on labor day. but if you are largely insignificant- like a mid-level executive or a government worker, you will celebrate labor day by taking the day off, ignoring the idea of labor totally, and charring overly processing meat products. i suggested to someone that we should make kids go to school for like 18 hours and not give them lunch or snack breaks. adults should work longer than that and not get to go the bathroom or on smoke breaks. offices should keep the windows all closed and turn off the AC. everyone should be forced to work really really hard while someone shouts at them. obviously given the litigious nature of society we couldn’t subject people to industrial accidents or anything, but c’mon- it’s LABOR DAY, people, where’s your holiday spirit??? at least someone could have a baby or something…

more twisted than that, though, is martin luther king day. in honor of his life, they let everyone out of school so they can all accomplish nothing and hang out on corners and go shoplift from malls. so, to celebrate the life of a visionary leader, rather than taking advantage of a potentially captive audience who could possibly learn some of the lessons dr king sought to impart during his lifetime, they let the kids out to have an extended weekend and everyone can just have one more day to be hungover. party on, dudes. how uplifting…

ditto content-poor days like presidents’ day (do people even really know what that is? i feel like it’s a question from ‘are you smarter than a 5th grader that most people would get wrong…). even no-brainers like july 4th have become such watered-down versions of what they originally started out to commemorate that i feel like we should just scrap all of them and start from scratch.

we need a whole new slate of holidays that americans could really embrace fully and get on board with.

like ‘national narcissism day’.

and ‘i love myself day’.

and ‘it’s all about me day’.

oh, are those the same? it doesn’t matter, because americans celebrate those every day anyway.

all we are missing is the paper goods section at party city…

maybe we should officially institute ‘i’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine day’.

and ‘what’s in it for me? day’

and ‘kindness is overrated day’

right now i think i will start observing ‘don’t blog when you’re grouchy day’, because this is turning into a disaster…