whether load or lode

it’s really the same

when a family gives feedback

a mother hears blame…

wasn’t that witty?

i just made that up while i was angrily washing dishes.

how does one angrily wash dishes?

you use way too much soap and you scrub just a tad too hard and you get the water just a bit too hot to the point where you can’t tell if the steam is from the water or from your ears.

you don’t slam the plates around because that would be too obvious and my anger is more of the subtle nature.

because i don’t explode, i implode.

and i always thought that was quite a courtesy to my family. i generally don’t scream or yell. in fact, i go strangely quiet.

the madder i get, the quieter i get.

i don’t boil over; i simmer under.

isn’t it so funny how i just posted about how calm and cheery i was?

i am literally giggling about that right now.

because life really is a roller coaster ride.

and as long as the pendulum is swinging and we’re along for the ride you know that life isn’t over.

it’s all about that search for the right balance.

but right now i want to talk about my anger.

because i am blessed to live with a staff of constructive critics who keep me honest.

now that my kids are mostly teenagers i have lots of mirrors held up to me constantly and the picture i’m shown isn’t always a pretty one.

and apparently they don’t like it when i go silent.

apparently it unnerves them when i clam up.

apparently they find it unsettling when i shut my trap.

who knew?

here i thought i had the best possible coping strategy: if you can’t say something nice, say nothing.

isn’t that what your kindergarten teacher taught you?

so here i am thinking i’m buying time to get my act together and calm down and decompress and regroup and they aren’t having it.

they actually want me to talk.

they want me to open up and express myself.


that’s new.

my lifetime of cultivating the ability to be silent is the opposite of what my family needs from me.

so i am the certain age that i am and i need to reinvent my wheel.

i need to process out loud.

i need to figure out how i can say what’s on my mind without scorching the earth with my words.

because i guarantee that what’s in my head is not what should come out of my mouth.

so i need to be able to have an entirely different dialogue.

a friend from detroit had a great saying, “everything that you say needs to be the truth but not everything that’s the truth needs to be said.”

that sums it up perfectly, don’t you think?

so the question is, how to go about this transformation?

how to go about being me, yet not me?

how to be true to myself yet still give those i love what they need- which, by the way, is completely legitimate.

because in all fairness, it’s not so warm and fuzzy to be surrounded by icy silence when someone is upset.

especially when that someone is mommy.

not that i freeze them out intentionally. but if i’m going to be honest- and you know for sure i’m going to try- that’s what ends up happening at least some of the time.

and let’s not even talk about poor *h…

who did just get back from being stranded in the phillipines…

for now though, like everyone else, i’m still a work in progress.

at this moment, i’m still buried under a mountain of mad.

and that’s kind of why i’m plugged into the computer instead of plugged into my family.

but in a few minutes i’ll take a deep breath and dive into a conversation with whoever is closest.

maybe i’ll start with the chux cuz they tend to be less judgy than the kids.

but the way my day is going you never know…