before i start this post, i just want to remind you about the mount jackson farmer’s market. i almost don’t want to post anything new before monday, because i want people to see and donate, but there is a post that has been weighing on my mind. it is a post that has been edging its way out since last week. it’s a post that someone out there needs to read, and i’m sorry for its delay.
i try to be as honest as i can on this blog. and almost without exception, there will be someone out there who reads it exactly when they need it. statistical odds almost demand it, so i don’t think i possess any particular magic. but, whoever you are, i’m sorry for the delay, but i hope this is what you need and i hope it comes soon enough for you.
last week several important things happened for me in a relatively short period of time.
first, *h realized that i was over the edge. he realized that i was past the end of my rope and i needed a lifeline. badly. he realized on an intuitive level that i had more than i could take of pain and illness and incapacitation and i just couldn’t deal on any effective level any more. so he swooped in and threw me a life preserver.
it wasn’t anything concrete. i wish i could say, “oh, he bought me mint chocolate chip ice cream and it turned my world around.” or, “he gave me the best hug ever.” or ” he said x or y or z.” but it wasn’t any of those things. i’m a kind of tough customer when it comes to comfort, and i’d rather shut down and implode than reach out. and i can usually handle myself and just deal until the storm passes. remember the oak park hates veggies mess? case in point. but this chronic illness uber incapacitation (i wish there was another word because i hate to be repetitive, but there ya go…) just ground me into the ground. and *h was able to dig me out of the shallow grave.
second, ryan send me a text. he was just checking in, but i’m guessing he had a sense that all was not well in julie-land. he’s always been a supportive supporter and a real friend in every sense. and he was so kind and caring and just there when i really needed someone to see me for who i was and who i could be again- and he helped me to see those things instead of seeing who i had been for the last few months, which was basically a bedridden mush.
because in case i didn’t give you a real picture of what my life had turned into, it was this:
most mornings, couldn’t get out of bed. if i could, i would get up and make lunches, kiss the kids good-bye and go back to bed until one of my teenagers woke me up around 11:30. once in a great while i’d have a glorious day and i could do maybe one errand, like get to the grocery store, but most days i just dragged around the house, tired and hurting so so much and throwing up and being dehydrated and dizzy and feeling awful and having no patience and being the kind of person you would want to throw in the garbage if you could. or throw off a cliff. which would have been fine with me, because if i had the energy and a nearby cliff and less guilt about my kids, i just might have thrown myself over. then usually back into bed by 3, with a sympathetic daughter rubbing my neck or shoulders or back or whichever was screaming the worst in pain and counting the minutes until *h got home so the kids could have a parent. for realsies.
sometimes i could sit at the table while my family ate, but usually i would just stay in bed, and if the anti-nausea meds were working particularly well and the stars were aligned i could eat something. then load up on pain meds and bedtime meds- none of which helped or made a difference, except for often making me throw up some more. then lots of guilt and shame for who i wasn’t and hopefully to sleep at some point so i could do it all the next day.
and then i had a real true miracle. but i didn’t know it until after it happened, which is what makes it so cool.
i had a day where i got up in the morning. and i felt ok. i was coping. i made the lunches and didn’t have to go back to bed. and then i cleaned up around the house and didn’t have to go back to bed. and i was sore, but it was a good sore, like after you work out- not a debilitating sore, like where you want to rip off your limbs and burn them in the fireplace. and i did the dishes. and i was still ok. so i vacuumed. and i organized my daughter’s drawers. and i watered my plants. and i did some laundry. and i was still ok. like a real normal person. so i put together some supper and cleaned out the fridge. still ok. spent some time with the kids. still ok. spent some time with the chickens and was still ok. and remembered that i used to have days like this. and had an inkling that i might have some days like this again.
and here’s the drum roll part. a close friend from detroit called very worried because they put me on the list of people to pray for in school that day. her daughter came home from school really worried that something else had gone wrong with me.
HA! so much had been wrong for the last few months, and i hadn’t said anything. i think one of my kids told a friend who told their parents that i was circling the drain, and that’s how i ended up on the prayer list.
but that’s the day- the very day! – that i had my first good day in forever. and it wasn’t placebo because i didn’t know about it…
there have been many studies done showing that prayer does have an effect. they have done study after study that when hospital patients are prayed for- just randomly assigned to groups and not ever told- the ones who are prayed for have better outcomes.
science can’t explain it, but it happens.
science can’t explain a lot of things, like why ryan just had a “feeling” he should contact me that day, or why *h knew that day was different and i needed a certain something… but the universe shifted for me, and i was up.
did my life change forever? no. after a 3-day run, today i had to go back to bed for a few hours. but once i got up, i was still able to function. and i sure hope my name stays on that prayer list.
if you are one of the people who prayed for me, i sincerely thank you. if you are considering praying for me, i thank you in advance. and if you think this is a bunch of mumbo jumbo from a brain-washed wacko religious nut, i’m sorry. i’m sorry for you because that isn’t me at all, and i’m sorry for you because you’ve bought a bill of goods that western society has sold you- and they haven’t done you any favors…
i know that open miracles are few and far between. but i know that i went from ‘it would be kinbdness to the world for me to die’ to ‘i might still have some use on this earth’.
and all it took was a few good men and the power of prayer.
so, i invite you, if you are so inclined: pray for my children to have a functioning and capable mother.
and throw in whatever other good stuff you can think of🙂