last saturday i had a really really bad reaction to some medication i took. it was so bad and so frightening that i didn’t even want to write about it here. it was so bad and so frightening that i have been on edge all week long. it was so bad and so frightening that i got into a very dark place about my whole health situation.
on friday morning, i decided to try to turn it around. instead of writing about how terrible it was, i would be grateful that it was over. grateful for my support system. grateful for all the good in my life. grateful that i did pull out of the medical crisis and grateful that i will (hopefully) have no lasting damage from it.
but i ran out of time on friday, and every time i thought of what to write it just sounded too pollyanna-ish.
i have been here before, and i have written about it before. i would prefer this not to become The Blog Of Chronic Whining. i do have so much good in my life, and it’s important not to lose sight of that, even when things are hard. *h and i tried to remember together the last time i had a “good” day- meaning a functional day, where i didn’t end up bedridden for part or all of it. you know what? *h thinks he remembers a day, and it was 2 months ago. i couldn’t even remember that recent. that’s heavy stuff, right?
but, in a classic case of ‘it’s always darkest before the dawn’, just when i felt like it couldn’t get very much worse, it didn’t. just when my kids were starting to unravel from the stress of having a non-mother, i started pulling out of the hole. when i started to lose hope, it came and tapped me on the shoulder and smiled at me.
and i know this may be a big turn-off for some of you, but it also reaffirmed my faith in God. because when i was in that pit last saturday, and i was just saying over and over ‘helpmehelpmehelpme…’ and i didn’t even know who i was asking for help. and i didn’t know who even could help me. and i was hallucinating and blacking out, and i started to pray.
not a formal prayer, obviously, but just begging God to please please help. and just a sense of knowing that i can’t really explain that even if no doctor could help and no medicine could help and no person could help, that God could help. i sure didn’t know if he would, but i knew that he could. and when i came back to myself, i realized how tremendous that was. that few people are blessed with having those moments of pure truth. that we think we believe or we want to believe, but we really aren’t sure. but, even though i wasn’t sure where i was, and i wasn’t sure how much time was passing or what exactly was going on, i knew in a very deep and true place that God was there with me and that if he wanted me to get better then i would. and if he didn’t, then he would be there to watch over my family.
i wish i could say that a sense of peace and tranquility descended over me, but that didn’t happen. i was tormented because i didn’t have the illusion of control that people normally have. i wish i could say that i ‘let go and let God’, but i didn’t really do that either. what i do know is that i was able to trust *h to handle things. what i do know is that i was able to accept that just because God hears your prayers doesn’t mean you always get the answer you want, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t listening.
and i know that when i am in the fire, i am not alone.
what i know is that people are way more resilient than we realize.
but i wish i didn’t have to keep seeing evidence of that.
but at least i seem to be out of the hole. let’s hope i stay out!