here are some statements. please decide whether each one is true or false to determine if you are a true seattle-ite.
1. traffic lanes are only a suggestion. lines on the road are a form of artistic expression and not actually meant to give you guidance about where your car should or should not be at any given time.
2. your average automobile is roughly 2 feet wide. this will help you in determining how far apart to make things like parking spaces and entrances to store.
3. dogs are a mandatory accessory item, and should be worn with pride, regardless of where you are and what you are doing. dogs belong in places like bathroom stalls and small cramped bakeries.
4. power scooters are the same as cars. since they are roughly the same size, they clearly belong in traffic with the other drivers. if someone’s scooter has a tall pole with a flag on it, or even a horn- so much the better. that way they can be more obvious while they flip off the other drivers.
5. buying produce in a gas station is always a good idea. it is probably fresh, local, and organic- after all, this is seattle- and this will offset the gasoline fumes and car exhaust they are exposed to on a minute-to-minute basis. it’s also nice to have lunch in a gas station parking lot. you order food from a trailer with a handmade sign on the front, then carry your food to the canvas tent set up next door. gas stations are a one-stop bonanza for hungry seattle folks.
6. traffic islands are a great idea on small side streets. they are a great idea in the middle of nowhere. they are especially great and effective on streets that have minimal traffic and telephone poles and power lines on each corner of the street. this gives the whole city a more european feel.
7. all food should be seasoned with indian spices. regardless of where you are or what you are making, you should probably add some tumeric or corainder. it’s best in dishes where it is least expected, like cake or pie.
8. tall hedges are best located where they most block your view of oncoming traffic. if they can block your view at a major intersection, so much the better. the scooters all have flags on them, so you will be able to see them anyway.
9. leaves are bad. very very bad. they must be obsessively blown away from your home, car, family, bushes, trees, flowers, dog house, and pavement. it is important to be relentless in your pursuit of these leaves. if even a single leaf falls, you must rush outside and blow it onto your neighbor’s property before it can do you any harm.
10. bread should be made with at least 19 grains. anything less than that is a clear statement that the baker just wasn’t trying hard enough.
11. if you want to build a multi-million dollar house, you should probably look for the most run-down neighborhood you can find. if it is a little unsafe, that is even better. then you can put up a huge wrought-iron gate all around your property to keep out such nuisances as neighbors and leaves. you get bonus points if you have an intercom system near your mailbox.
12. it is imperative to have access to coffee at all times. even if you don’t buy the coffee, or even plan to buy the coffee, it’s just reassuring to have every 3rd building be a starbucks and every shack be an espresso hut. if you do buy coffee, you should get at least four and then walk down the street with a cardboard tray of coffee cups. perhaps someone you meet on the way to your car will be in desperate need of coffee, and then you can save the day.
13. rain gear is a fashion statement and should not actually be worn in the rain, because it might get damaged. better to wear your north face jacket and carry a backpack containing your rain gear to keep it safe. it is important to never ever take it out when it is actually raining.
14. airports should be as confusing and non-user friendly as possible. parking should be a nightmare, signage should be poor (although this applies in most places, not just the airport), and nothing should be intuitively located. it’s better to design it so the people with the most baggage will have to walk the farthest and the people with small children will have to carry them on their backs.
15. streets should also be confusing. every city should have a 3rd avenue and a 3rd street and a 3rd boulevard and a 3rd street northwest and a 3rd street southeast and a 3rd street just plain. these should be scattered throughout the city to creat maximum chaos. it is better if some of these streets can be located in proximity to the tall buildings downtown that block GPS signals. it’s fun to watch people circling endlessly around one-way streets trying to figure out why they are downtown instead of on the way to oregon.
16. boeing should own all unused land. they won’t develop it or do anything with it, but they will fence it in and put up large signs to let you know that they own it and you may not trespass.
17. likewise, safeway should own all empty storefronts. there must be a safeway every 1/4 mile, because that will help people who are lost to know where they are. locations should be explained according to their orientation to the safeway. for example, “we are the third building on the left after the safeway. you can’t miss it.”
18. small stores should set up displays that do not represent the actual merchandise that they carry. clothing shops should have displays of books. bookstores should have displays of pottery. the only stores that can accurately represent themselves are bars and coffee shops.
19. seattle is actually a suburb of british columbia. for real.
20. you have played along, plodded through this entire post, kept up your sense of humor and your friendly disposition no matter how offended you might have been by anything you read. if you answer “true” to this question, then you are a true seattle-ite. congratulations!