it is a well-known concept that people often spend their lives trying to undo the damage that was done to them in their particular/peculiar childhoods.
the person from a rigid home becomes overly lax about disciplining their children.
the person from poverty tries constantly to acquire material possessions n the hopes that they can finally measure up.
the nerdy kid becomes the rich doctor who marries the trophy wife so he will outwardly be “good enough”.
lots of what we do, consciously or not, is a reaction to who we feel we are on the inside.
the gorgeous man can never find someone to marry because nobody loves him enough to counter the voices in his head from a young age telling him his ears were too big or that he was dumb.
the thin woman can never get thin enough to drown out the voices from the middle school lunchroom calling her “miss piggy”.
the college professor is afraid to teach anything except intro level classes, lest someone find out he actually has learning disabilities.
so, our pendulum is always swinging away from what we fear we will repeat and lots of time and mental energy is spent trying to prove to others what we don’t truly believe about ourselves.
it’s amazing to me how many people walk around like buckets with holes in the bottom. no matter how much you fill the bucket, it never gets full because it is leaking out the other side.
on the other end of the spectrum are people who play out over and over again bad things that happened to them.
the son whose father abused his mother learns to hit and abuse women. hey, it’s better to be the abuser than the victim, right?
the child of the alcoholic becomes an alcoholic the thing she hated most in the world because it’s better to be numb than to be devastated by the injustice of her upbringing. so not only does she have a drinking problem, but she loathes herself as well for repeating what she swore she’s never do.
the sickest part is that, as adults at least, most people are not victims as much as they are volunteers.
they play out their childhood dramas and hurts over and over and over again in hopes that they can make it finally turn out okay.
but, since the adults they interact with are different people (with their own baggage to sort out), they will never get that fulfillment. but that doesn’t stop them from trying. and trying. and trying.
they are dizzyingly attached to the pendulum that swings back and forth between extremes of behaviour, often without even realizing that they are creating that which they most fear. because lots of times both ends of the spectrum are shadows of the same ghosts.
the same way that communism and fascism are a hair’s breadth away from each other although they are technically “far left” and “far right”, extreme behaviour in either direction is a flip side of the same coin.
that’s why abusers and enablers make such great couples. or druggies and codependents. or “rage-a-holics” and meek people pleasers. or scads of other dysfunctional pairings that just seems to work. and rather than sorting out the demons, these people stay locked in the same sick dance, moment after moment and day after day and year after year. often even decade after decade.
i don’t know how to solve this. i don’t know any other answer but to recognize it for what it is and to pull the plug.
you may never get what you didn’t get as a child. you may never get what you need as an adult. the trick is to work around it and do your best in spite of it.
the prize goes to the one who fights their way out of the dark shadows of their existence and decides not to visit their traumas on those they love.
easier said than done.
but food for thought nonetheless.