no, i have not seen sandal-footed men wearing long robes and sporting flowing beards.

we have read no news reports of someone taking out the eye of someone who blinded him.

rather, it seems that seattle is awash in a biblical plague.

what in the world is going on with the endless fruit flies???

like the biblical locusts, they try to land on your food and swarm across your land.

like the biblical frogs, they hang around so closely while you are cooking that you have to check and re-check and re-check to make sure they haven’t landed in your vegetable soup or your cookie dough.

like the killing of the firstborn, they seem determined to leave everyone in their wake going insane from the sheer anguish of it all.

i always heard that cockroaches could survive a nuclear disaster. i figure that wonder bread might do the same. but let’s all be honest here and add seattle fruit flies to the list of invincible creatures.

we’ve covered our compost, hidden our fruit, and cooked hunched over the pots. we’ve sprayed the flies with various cleaning chemicals, and they basically turned around and guffawed in our faces.

we’ve washed down our counters, disinfected our sink, eaten only food with no scent, but still they persist.

i’m trying to convince *h to put up a bat house in our livingroom, but that offends his refined sense of personal decor.

i’ve swatted and doused and smashed until i can barely see straight, and the fruit flies just keep on coming.

“from whense do you hail, small hellish creatures?” i wonder.

and why the heck don’t they go back there????

i assumed that once it got to be sweater weather, they would have the good sense to die off. nope.

i thought that if we removed every possible food source, they would look for the nearest mickey-d’s. no such luck.

i figured that it was a little game of chicken. you know when you and some other idiot race your cars toward each other and see who will veer to the side first? well, i thought that i could psych out the little pests. if they saw how very serious i was about not welcoming them into our home, they would surely get themselves to a motel-6. yeah, right.

we don’t have fluffy towels. we don’t have decorative soaps or expensive lotions. we don’t offer soft robes or designer coffees or a stunning view. we have no mini-bar and no hospitality suite. we don’t even have groovy spoons.

so why do they plague us???

my large strapping son has just arrived from detroit. maybe he can scare some sense into them.

or maybe my next post will be from a hermetically sealed underground bunker.

some days, you just never know…