sometimes i will meet a person i just really like. i can’t articulate why; there’s just a certain vibe or energy or je ne sais quois that they posess, and i find that i enjoy their company. i have seldom been wrong on an initial gut reaction, and that works the other way as well. there are very few (i can’t even think of one, but maybe if i spent more time i could- so i’m keeping that option open) times where i have met someone who i get a bad vibe from and i decide to like later on.

in financial matters and school matters and thousands of mundane examples i have a pretty good sense of what will go smoothly with my inner voice and what will cause it to scream. most of my friends have a similarly direct inner compass, and i think that’s part of the reason we “get” each other.

so, it baffles me constantly that i still don’t trust my Self. i capitalized that because, rather than saying myself, meaning ‘me’- i want to emphasize that i am speaking of my Self- my inner uncensored completely private True and Authentic Self.

i think that lots of people do this, and i think that the few times there is a negative interaction, it has the incredible (meaning not credible) power of undoing the zillions of other interactions that are on target.

ever listen to someone asking, “does this look good on me?”

“should i get the french fries or the salad?”

“i’m not sure if i should break up with ________________. what do you think?”

we ask other people multitudes of questions that we already know the answers to. we ask ourselves questions we already know the answers to. do you ever wonder why?

i had an epiphany a while back, that i mostly do this to have someone to blame if things go wrong. if a friend tells me to go ahead and indulge and have the french fries, then it is her fault if i gain weight. i will still have the weight, and i will have clothes that are too tight, and i won’t feel good about myself (that alone is crazy, and i hate it, but you know it is true…). i will live with the consequences of my action, but as long as i can blame someone for the decision, it somehow makes it better.

i spent a lot of my life thinking i was asking for advice when really i was just asking for a scapegoat. if i had listened to my gut, i would have known spot on almost every time what the correct action was, but if someone else directed me wrong, i took solace in the fact that it was their fault.

over a lifetime, that builds up to lots of hurt feelings and resentment. instead of owning my own decisions, i solicited answers from other people, and then wallowed in how little they knew me and how off-base they were about what was good for me.

instead of inhabiting my own space, i sold myself to the most persuasive bidder, only to simmer with anger and bitterness afterward.

i have met a few people in the last decade or so who had  a strong magnetism about them. these people projected confidence and calm and strength. i couldn’t figure out exactly why i found these people so compelling, i just knew that i wanted to spend time around them.

and then i realized that they posessed their own Self. instead of keeping it locked away, and waffling with distrust, they fully owned their inner voice. they were comfortable in their own skin, regardless of the size, shape, or color of that outer wrapping. they made me want to be around them because they wanted to be around themselves, and that was a mighty powerful pull.

part of the glory of this summer’s garden fiasco is that i was able to step into my own shoes and be my own self. i was able to listen to my inner voice and act completely in accordance with Me. i virtually emanated power not because i was powerful (in fact quite the opposite, i was potentially a victim of many forces larger than myself), but because i was my Self. i don’t think people were drawn to me/my story/this blog because i was any big deal, but because i had the magnetism that comes from being true to your Self.

try it next time you have a decision to make. instead of looking around, look inward. try on your options, and see which one makes your heart sing. feel how each decision makes you feel better or worse, instead of imagining how the reaction will make you feel. don’t project ahead to the outcome; stay present completely in the moment, and just tune in to your Self.

i guarantee you it will be an experience worth having.