my name is julie and i am a control-a-holic.
i am a type-A person. i am a micromanager. i am a do-er. i am just a bit shy of having OCD, but in a good, productive way. (sure, that’s what all of us control-a-holics say…)
i have a cartoon on my bathroom wall that says, “i have CDO- it’s like OCD, but with the letters in the correct order.”
yep, that’s me.
so, imagine my chagrin at being less-than-functional at this particular juncture.
we are hopefully moving soon.
*h is out of town, and i can’t drive yet, leaving the entire family kind of stuck around the house for a while.
it is the beginning of a new school year, and since at least some of our kids are homeschooled, that should mean that i am getting my act together about curriculum and books and supplemental activities and so on.
normally, my tactic of choice would be to drill down and forge ahead and make lists (and check them way more than twice). i would hyper-organize and hyper-manage and hyper-cope with whatever stress we are in by being hyper.
but in real life, i am just being sort of still. i have the incredible luxury of knowing that the moving company will pack up whatever i don’t get to. normally, my OCDish-ness would preclude my being happy about this, but it is what it is and i am actually ok with that. my kids are really old enough now to choose their own food from the fridge, and even put it on a plate and warm it up in the microwave (if you try to post about how unhealthy microwaves are, i swear i will cry). everyone can pick out their own clothes and put them on unaided and even brush their own teeth, albeit with several reminders. so i am needed less as a manager and more as a facilitator.
my job description has shifted without me even knowing that it was in flux.
i got sidelined and the world went on without me.
go figure that…
so, i now find myself in the very enviable role (i am not being at all sarcastic- i am really really appreciative of all of the gifts that i am receiving right now) of being somewhat a woman of leisure.
i can sit in the garden and watch as my kids water and pick and prune.
i can sit on the couch and watch as my family packs and plans and plays.
i can sit on the computer and know that everyone will be just fine if i tell them i am unavailable for a few minutes.
i can sit and sit and sit and know that everything will be perfectly ok.
what a weird wild wonderful new life this is!
i can’t say i know quite how to navigate these waters. my kids will still ask me to do completely unnecessary things, like brushing the youngest’s hair or consulting about how much pasta they should put on their plate. and it’s really nice, because it means they still want the comfort of knowing that i am around to take care of things.
but in many respects, i can be on the sidelines as things unfold, instead of deep in the fray.
and i’m kind of liking it…
i know there will be tons of work ahead when we finally land in seattle, and that is something i really look forward to.
but for now, i can just float on my island of peace. it’s a big life lesson to learn that things can still be ok even if i did not control every last bit. it’s so freeing to know that ‘good enough’ really truly actually is good enough. it’s awesome that my kids really have been watching me all these years, and to see that i actually did do a pretty good job of nurturing capable confident kids. it’s really gratifying to be where i am, and to be able to see it for what it is.
it is not so much the end of an era as the middle part of a really great story that i don’t want to stop reading.
calm is the new normal, and even though i know i will not be calm all the time, i am able to sit back and enjoy the ride.
my name is julie and i’m finally calm.