Yeah, it was my mother who blew off my birthday.
Does that change anything?
And the person she trashed me to was one of my kids.
I called her house last night to speak to my grandma, but didn’t bring up the birthday issue cuz I was waiting to see what you guys would say. We ended up talking for about an hour about this and that, and she of course acted like everything was fine.
I’m the firstborn, and she isn’t senile, so it’s not like this is something that would have just slipped her mind.
I want this not to be something that is painful for me, but it obviously is, which is why I’m writing about it on the blog.
Her phone hasn’t been broken, she has sent texts to my kids, and she mailed a card to one of them a few days ago, so it’s not like she didn’t have stamps or couldn’t get to the post office. I keep trying to find a way to make this something palatable, but the truth is that it’s just ugly and mean.
When do we get old enough to not care what our parents think or do?
Sigh.
I want to be the person who glories in the fact that people I never met on my blog care enough to wish me a happy birthday, that my husband and kids are around and they are who matter, and that I have friends who would be there for me in a nano-second if I needed them. But instead I feel like a failure that I am letting myself be dragged down by someone who obviously has issues of her own that she would be so cruel and passive-aggressive (no, the birthday thing was not an isolated incident, but this has been the most recent and flagrant).
So now that you have more info, would you change your answer? Would you give me more or different advice? And please someone tell me how I can stop feeling so broken just because I am attached to a broken situation.
oakparkhatesveggies 
Oct 23, 2014 @ 13:05:01
I’m reading between the lines here, and comparing to my own experiences, so I could be off base. And I haven’t read other comments, so please forgive any redundancy. But it seems to me that the lack of a birthday call is mainly worrisome to you because it feels symptomatic of the real reason you are concerned about her feelings about you, which is what she told her grandchild about you. I don’t have the facts, obviously, but I would hope that the relations all around would be strong enough that you could bring THAT up directly with her and discuss what was meant and how you feel (and the kid should be tough enough to understand why this is necessary). This is second hand information so it is entirely possible that some of the meaning got lost along the way (remember the “telephone game” we used to play when we were kids?). I feel your pain, and sincerely hope you can make better sense of all this & let us all know that things are better!
Oct 23, 2014 @ 14:04:42
Oh my. My heart hurts for you. I can’t imagine what that’s like. But my advice would be the same. I know a lady who had to cut off ties with an emotionally abusive mother. When her mother died (in her nineties), they hadn’t spoken in decades and she didn’t go to the funeral. She wishes it could have been another way, but did not regret loving herself enough to make that decision. Her sisters and her kids/grandkids chose to keep in touch with their mother/(great)grandmother, but they limited contact. Like I said, you will know the right choice for you. Prepare yourself for the consequences. Your kids are old enough(?) to choose for themselves.
Oct 23, 2014 @ 14:04:49
Oh, Sweetie — this does change it all. I’m getting the feeling this behavior is lifelong. She should be so proud of you! (Your larger family is!) I have a close family member who also was up and down — concerning me. Couple years ago she had two small strokes and whammo — completely new pleasant, loving personality!
Oct 23, 2014 @ 14:11:16
I would not change my answer. As we age, we get forgetful. And some older people have more trouble seeing that or admitting it when it’s pointed out to them. Her “acting as if everything’s fine” could be a defense mechanism on her part. If this is a symptom of a deeper issue (the “lifelong behavior” that another person senses), then that’s the issue that needs to be addressed; and probably just one phone call is not going to make it all better. If this is new behavior, then you might need to admit that things are happening with your mother.
It’s tough, being the meat in the middle in this “sandwich generation” that we’re in. I do feel how hurt you are by this, but I hope you can use it to deepen your understanding of your mom, yourself, and life in general. And beware of “writing the script.” People say and do what they say and do, for the reasons they do. Often they don’t say or do what we would have them say/do in exactly the way we would like. But acceptance of whatever is, is the first step toward healing. My love to you, Julie. From me-Julie.
Oct 23, 2014 @ 15:13:50
Nope. My answer remains the same. You can still clear with her. And the stuff I said about a clearing being about stating factually how you felt and asking her whether your imaginings that she thinks your are are true gives her a chance to think. She might say yes…which will be hard, but it will be honest. She might say no, which could also be true. But rememebr, you cant ask directly for a behaviour change. The change has to come from her. It sounds like it may never, now that you have this history with her, but by stating simply that it made you sad that she failed to acknowledge you on your special day at least gets YOUR side listened to, even if she doesnt hear it, and most importantly, it lets YOUR OWN EARS hear you express your own truth,
Lastly: is it grown up Julie that is the one hurt by all this? Or is it the part of you inside that is still a little girl herself? If so, even more important for that “inner child” to hear the adult you stick up for that inner child cause sounds like your mom, historicially speaking, wasnt so great at that.
Oct 23, 2014 @ 15:41:07
So much misery is a result of our unmet expectations.
Oct 23, 2014 @ 18:12:11
Unfortunately I completely understand the pain this causes. My mother makes lots of insinuations (is that a word? Or is it spelled correctly?) Any way, it is very hurtful and she definitely makes me feel bad most of the time. I just try to stay out of her way (which is very difficult since she lives with me…what was I thinking?)
Oct 23, 2014 @ 19:08:54
Family. Makes it different when it’s your mom. We want to be loved by our parents. That makes it difficult when they act this way. My mom didn’t talk to me for six months…didn’t call on my birthday. The birthday gift I sent through my husband she sent back because she ‘didn’t need it’. However, she let me KNOW she was mad. Sooo…..just hang in there.
Oct 23, 2014 @ 19:09:23
My heart hurts for you
Oct 23, 2014 @ 22:27:43
aw, Julie. i hope that your family validated you on your birthday. recognized that it was indeed your special day and let you know in no uncertain terms – that indeed you matter ………… immensely!
when i was pregnant with my youngest son – my mom was visiting us for about a week — my brother married on saturday, my birthday was on monday, mom left to go back to chicago on wednesday, and my son was born on friday! whirlwind week! but. no one. NO one at all ……. remembered that it was my birthday. not one single person called me, no one wished me a happy birthday. no one remembered at all. i felt so let down. we don’t go all mushy about birthdays and such. birthday person got to choose dinner menu and what sort of cake or pie they wanted. didn’t have to help with meal preparation or clean-up. but was recognized by the family as important to us all. except for September of 1983.
after a few days, i guess i mentioned it to my family … and there really was a look of shock, of dismay that they’d forgotten all about it. LOL – NOW i hafta laugh about it, becuz my eldest daughter took it upon herself to make sure that it never ever ever happened again! didn’t matter whose birthday was coming up – she made sure that everyone knew well in advance so that everyone could make a birthday card or think of something to do for the birthday person.
it just feels good – to be validated – to be recognized – to have those who are near’n’dear to us ……….. periodically say to us, “hey, you’re special. you are unique and add something to my life …. something that is essential and appreciated. i appreciate you. i love you. i care about you.” don’t need a brass band or any big fanfare. just a simple, “happy birthday” … a simple phrase that encompasses a myriad of feelings, ideals, emotions.
Happy Belated Birthday to you, Julie!
Oct 24, 2014 @ 11:43:15
wow, harsh! can’t say i know what that feels like, because even being 6000 miles apart, my mum rarely forgets special dates. my dad, on the other hand, bailed when i was six and my brother was four, and even though we tracked him down in Oz, he still refuses to connect.
i’ve learned that true family often does not grow up under the same roof, and that spiritual connections are way thicker (& stronger) than blood.
know this, you are loved, and that’s what counts.
Oct 24, 2014 @ 21:07:14
The problem most women have is they require continuing validation from their mother. It’s a little complex but I can explain why that is.
Men go through puberty differently from women. Women learn how to endure pain monthly but don’t really have to become someone different. Men have to become someone different from our childhood selves.
It is the nature of humans for men to go out into the world and start a new system while women tend to stay in The Village. Men travel, women stay home, so to speak. Whether by Divine Plan or evolution the result is the same. Men are hunters, visually oriented, gone from The village. Women have to stay in the village so are auditory, having to deal with the other women scheming, soap operas and intrigue. This is of course why women have better communication skills than men do. Women HAVE to be smarter than men. I have no objection to what is an obvious fact.
Therefore men don’t care about things like birthdays or what our parents think because it is our nature to leave home and carve out our own Empire. Women are tied by the apron strings to the past, to status quo, to history and therefore require validation in the form of cards and birthdays and flowers and all that stuff which is meaningless to men.
Generally speaking, men don’t care what our parents think. Good men respect their mothers. When I was a teen (1970s) my mother had one requirement. She knew I would go do things on my own but wanted me to call her and let her know everything was OK. So when I was in some friend’s apartment as a teen, smoking dope and generally running amok, I would tell the other men in the room “I have to call my mother. Please talk about cars and girls while I am doing so” And then I would use the landline to phone my mother to let her know I was still alive and that would make her happy.
My father was a career man in the insurance biz so didn’t care.
Julie, I can not and will not advise you to stop caring what your mother thinks.
However, it doesn’t matter what she thinks or why. you are a grown adult and her opinion or methods … well… add a little salt because you probably do not know what in her past has caused her to be this way.
Bottom line: don’t take it personally. That’s just who she is and you should not be bothered that she is not who you want her to be.
You have my love
Happy Birthday!
Grant