whether load or lode
it’s really the same
when a family gives feedback
a mother hears blame…
wasn’t that witty?
i just made that up while i was angrily washing dishes.
how does one angrily wash dishes?
you use way too much soap and you scrub just a tad too hard and you get the water just a bit too hot to the point where you can’t tell if the steam is from the water or from your ears.
you don’t slam the plates around because that would be too obvious and my anger is more of the subtle nature.
because i don’t explode, i implode.
and i always thought that was quite a courtesy to my family. i generally don’t scream or yell. in fact, i go strangely quiet.
the madder i get, the quieter i get.
i don’t boil over; i simmer under.
isn’t it so funny how i just posted about how calm and cheery i was?
i am literally giggling about that right now.
because life really is a roller coaster ride.
and as long as the pendulum is swinging and we’re along for the ride you know that life isn’t over.
it’s all about that search for the right balance.
but right now i want to talk about my anger.
because i am blessed to live with a staff of constructive critics who keep me honest.
now that my kids are mostly teenagers i have lots of mirrors held up to me constantly and the picture i’m shown isn’t always a pretty one.
and apparently they don’t like it when i go silent.
apparently it unnerves them when i clam up.
apparently they find it unsettling when i shut my trap.
who knew?
here i thought i had the best possible coping strategy: if you can’t say something nice, say nothing.
isn’t that what your kindergarten teacher taught you?
so here i am thinking i’m buying time to get my act together and calm down and decompress and regroup and they aren’t having it.
they actually want me to talk.
they want me to open up and express myself.
humph.
that’s new.
my lifetime of cultivating the ability to be silent is the opposite of what my family needs from me.
so i am the certain age that i am and i need to reinvent my wheel.
i need to process out loud.
i need to figure out how i can say what’s on my mind without scorching the earth with my words.
because i guarantee that what’s in my head is not what should come out of my mouth.
so i need to be able to have an entirely different dialogue.
a friend from detroit had a great saying, “everything that you say needs to be the truth but not everything that’s the truth needs to be said.”
that sums it up perfectly, don’t you think?
so the question is, how to go about this transformation?
how to go about being me, yet not me?
how to be true to myself yet still give those i love what they need- which, by the way, is completely legitimate.
because in all fairness, it’s not so warm and fuzzy to be surrounded by icy silence when someone is upset.
especially when that someone is mommy.
not that i freeze them out intentionally. but if i’m going to be honest- and you know for sure i’m going to try- that’s what ends up happening at least some of the time.
and let’s not even talk about poor *h…
who did just get back from being stranded in the phillipines…
for now though, like everyone else, i’m still a work in progress.
at this moment, i’m still buried under a mountain of mad.
and that’s kind of why i’m plugged into the computer instead of plugged into my family.
but in a few minutes i’ll take a deep breath and dive into a conversation with whoever is closest.
maybe i’ll start with the chux cuz they tend to be less judgy than the kids.
but the way my day is going you never know…
Jul 13, 2012 @ 00:45:09
I had the hardest time convincing my daughter, the other day, that when she started screaming at me and I stopped responding, it was not because I was ignoring her, it was because I decided it wasn’t constructive to continue the discussion in that direction. Mercifully, she did finally calm down & discuss this with me more calmly. She insisted that it hurt her self-esteem for me to ignore her. She seemed completely taken aback by my pointing out that it hurt MY self-esteem for her to scream and curse at me! I think we both ended up learning something from the exchange. I hope you can communicate to your kids about a more effective way to offer you feedback, without shutting you down. Meanwhile, please don’t burn your hands while you’re “angrily” washing dishes! Hang in there!
Jul 13, 2012 @ 00:49:24
I’d try explaining exactly what you wrote – with the addition of look, everyone gets mad sometimes – we are all full of feelings, and maybe set a time for yourself/them when you will engage. Taking a five or ten minutes to “process” in your brain helps minimize the risk of saying things out loud that really hurt, not help. My perspective, after listening to a lot of outbursts, and having been guilty of a few myself… Teens will often ask for whatever is the opposite of how you do things just because, they’re teens
Jul 13, 2012 @ 00:50:45
Right on Susan
Jul 13, 2012 @ 02:14:12
I wish I could implode rather than boil over. This willingness to reinvent your wheel is inspiring.
Jul 13, 2012 @ 06:14:07
Maybe you could just say you need a time out. I do what you do. But when I am calm enough to discuss without yelling profanities then I will talk about it. There is nothing wrong with doing that. Letting off the steam first. Maybe explain that to the kids. Give yourself time to think it over and then decide what you want to say. I do internalize things too, don’t get me wrong. Will just hold it in until I burst, but generally calming down before you speak isn’t a bad thing, as long as you speak when you’ve calmed down.
Jul 13, 2012 @ 08:09:32
What they really want is for you not to be angry and hey, don’t we all? Silent may be unnerving but I’m pretty sure you’re right about it being better than yelling. You just tell them you’ll talk when you’re ready to talk.
Jul 13, 2012 @ 08:39:02
Show them what you wrote. Also, perhaps just writing has helped, or at least I hope it has.
I agree with Rachel – it is, at least sometimes, better to be silent. At least as compared to screaming and saying words you cannot take back.
Best of luck. Glad you wrote.
Jul 13, 2012 @ 12:09:42
Jul 13, 2012 @ 13:21:42
How challenging to boil down all that I want to say. Turning anger inward and punishing yourself (that’s what that hot water is about, dear) comes from being raised in an inconsistant environment where is was not safe to learn valid ways to express frustration, disappointment and hurt – the big three that lead to anger.
Time to learn and teach your kids. First, anger is a normal, health emotion. How you deal with it is the trick. Taking a few minutes to gather your thoughts and focus is great. Physical exercise will help. I like to take a walk, but if dish washing/cleaning is it, ok (just don’t hurt yourself in the process).
The process of dealing with anger is matching your truth with the other person’s truth. Both sides don’t necessarily have the same view of truth, huh? If you are feeling blamed, but you are frustrated that is not valid – why? There is probably a logical reason that needs to be shared with the other side. If you’re feeling disappointed, may be it was because you were hoping for some understanding because your time was being spend doing something else that you felt was worthy? – that needs to be shared. If you are hurt, what is this experience linking to in the past that is causiing those feelings. (ok my leash goes on…)
It is how you share that matters. The first step is NOT sharing. The first step is understanding MORE of what they are saying in a process I call mirroring. Old school you just parrot back what the other person said, mine you repeat back what they said from how you heard it. Let them vent, vent and vent. This will help their frustration etc. Try to really focus on the source of their emotion. Many times people put out a red herring and it is really that they need something simple like privacy or praise. Then express your emotional reaction with I statements and why. “I really feel hurt that you don’t think I help on the yard enough, because from my view point I do many things around the house. When you say that about the yard it makes me feel you don’t see the other things – I feel anger”. Ask for mirroring, “So how does that make you feel”. This forces the other side to step into your shoes. If they respond with, “it’s just not fair” ask for more with “why not” or “why do you feel that way”. Keep up this tennis match of share and confirm until these is a better understanding of the truth. Then the important part, the tennis rematch of “how are we going to resolve this?” This is a time for bartering. When the process is done have a family tribe celebration ritual for resolving conflict. Go team! See anger as a red flag for improvement not one for self-harm. This is about being future focused, understanding others and having a noble purpose…go have F.U.N.
Jul 13, 2012 @ 17:05:58
THIS.
My father uses the Cold War Tactic too. I can’t tell you how destructive it has been to my entire family. As a result I am a number of tools shy of an emotional toolbox – an adult with no idea how to process my own anger, and painful inability to communicate difficult conversations with loved ones.
You might think you are doing them a favor, but you’re really not. Cool off, and come back and discuss the situation rationally. But come back to it – don’t pretend like it didn’t happen.
Jul 13, 2012 @ 18:14:58
well, let me apologize for the emotional damage that has clearly been done to you, since the one who inflicted it probaby won’t. i’ll bet it wasn’t his/her intention either- but i know it hurts nonetheless. and if it helps at all, i am taking your words to heart. here’s to healing for all of us…
Jul 13, 2012 @ 18:20:27
wow- that was a lot of good stuff! so much so that i read it twice earlier and twice again just now. i would love to hear more about matching my truth to their truth- if you wouldn’t mind, could you elaborate on that a bit more? i clearly have a lot to learn, and since i am feeling more prickly the more times i read what you wrote, i can tell it’s hitting the mark (uh oh!)… this tells me i should probably print it out and read it like a thousand more times… thanks for taking the time to write all you did and to be a patient teacher. i look foward to reading the next installment…
Jul 13, 2012 @ 18:27:15
i’m glad me being angry can make you smile- hahahaha- you should talk to *h about that
definitely talk to me soon and catch me up! love back- j
Jul 13, 2012 @ 18:29:11
thank you, emilie- you are one of the courageous people out there who i think of when i am in a tough spot. and i think of you and i think that if you can put one foot in front of the other then i’d better keep my chin up! i still have your email and it still inspires me! so thank you for this comment, and for that long ago email -julie
Jul 13, 2012 @ 18:30:15
hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmph- that’s the sound of me exhaling. do you think it would be pushing the limits to tell them i’ll be ready to talk in the year 2027????
Jul 13, 2012 @ 18:32:45
yes- i think i need to have better follow through on that second part. because i tend to have magical thinking that once the situation has passed i can be alone with my anger and they will just forget about it. like if i’m the only one who is angry then i’m the only one who cares. but in truth that just leaves them with unresolved issues. and that’s kind of unfair. so thanks for the reminder that there has to be a part 2 of the process…
Jul 13, 2012 @ 18:33:39
oh boy- you really don’t! but thanks for being inspired by me! you make me feel better than i really am- always an endearing quality in a friend (sheepish grin)
Jul 13, 2012 @ 18:34:13
good point, that…
Jul 13, 2012 @ 18:37:06
thank you! i think the bottom line is that i just need to man up and hear what they have to say. which i do- but then i need to respond with words instead of just my usual, which is just, “ok. i hear you.” and then into my own head. because that’s a bit too cryptic, and although there IS something glamorous about a woman of mystery, it’s not working for me in this particular case!
Jul 13, 2012 @ 21:12:19
I was raised by a mother who couldn’t do anything at a level under a shriek and a father who clammed up.It was actually EASY for me when I got married because I knew that neither of those options was terrific.My husband…a bit slower to catch on.He was raised by “silent” people who felt it was bad taste to express yourself…even in low,moderate tones.THAT was the hardest thing I had to deal with…I had to bring my inlaws up to speed before I could reach my husband but after a few years of “talking it out”..they started to catch on ..no one was pouting…no one had ulcers any more…we ALL enjoyed family get togethers so much more and we ALL had so much more we could yak about without feeling like certain subjects needed to stay tucked away and unaddressed.Letting everyone know right up front that a nerve has been hit and a timeout is in force has become normal.Our kids all get along…there are no sudden pull out of the hat “problems” that have festered for years.I always followed the notion of not letting something fester through bed time so there have been VERY few issues that have required more than a few hours of cranky and the last time anyone in the family did any yelling….it was because he had broken his arm falling off his bike.Quiet works wonders….because you REALLY need to pay attention to what is being said instead of wasting your energy scrubbing the pattern off dishes!A nice walk,some quiet time with the chux and it all comes out ok.
Jul 13, 2012 @ 21:55:15
thanks for that- once again, wise blog readers to the rescue!
Jul 14, 2012 @ 12:36:12
Haha! I was more thinking of cooling off for a few hours before explaining to them why you were so angry
Jul 14, 2012 @ 23:05:02
Second installment: basically we don’t all see the world the same way since we aren’t the same. We have different DNA, different backgrounds and different current events in our face. Two people witnessing the same crime will focus on different aspects depending of what their viewpoint was both physically and mentally.
Anger is the same way. The “crime” is that someone feel a threat (reaction to current situation) or fear (reaction based upon previous experience). As children our reaction to threat (crying or screaming) and fear (hiding or seeking comfort) develop into complex interactions.
So the first response when we experience anger is to identify if the threat is real and present. A person pointing a gun at you will raise angry emotions, but probably not the best strategy to work it out. For all other situations, address you’re bodies fight or flight reaction (you know red face, hands shaking, heart racing) with some exercise. Even asking for a quick break to go to the bathroom if in a formal setting works. This will give a chance for the muscles to relax, but it also is healthier for the body because the extra stress hormones can be harmful if bottled up.
This time allow you a chance to figure out why, to you, the situation seemed to be a threat or why it invoked fear. This is the point that I get myself in trouble. So easy to want to may the list of rebuttal statements and excuses for my reaction. However, the reaction was an emotiion driven one and it is known that this process effects memory. Therefore the chance that everything that was said wasn’t heard. From the moment the blood starts boiling, our brains are on high alert for threat and will hear what is being said from that stand point.
Then the person delivering the message was probably also in an emotional state, meaning they know what they were attempting to communicate, but it is highly likely that what was in their head and what came out of their mouth changed.
So in seeking truth it is a matter of making sure that the words from the one that provoked the anger are completely what was meant. Or is it lack of food, tireness, clothes not feeling right, anger that can’t be directed at an appropriate target so it is directed at a safe home target… a lot of conflict comes out of basic needs not being met. The second level of needs are things like being able to have self creativity, love, privacy etc. So sometimes digging deeper will not only resolve what has been put out there, yet additionally give understanding to prevent other conflicts.
Sharing with all the standard psychology norms is a must. Letting parties fully express their thoughts, no always, never, have tos, not labeling (name calling), no physical harm ever and what ever other standards your group wants to come up with for the situation. Then keep discussions self responsible. This means taking responsibility that emotions you feel are yours and not cause by others. (I know I know….I get in trouble on this point all the time!) Use specific language rather that vague references. “Sox left in the hallway smell to me and it makes me want to retch thinking of having to pick them up. When I did this morning I was really upset with you. Does that make sense to you?” What is not allowed is, “You make me really made because you are so messy and I don’t want to ever have to pick up after you again!” The first one allows more sharing like…”I was late to soccer practice” so that a specific agreed upon plan can be developed. The later one doesn’t.
If anger comes from fear, whole different story and I’m still working on this. Basically, the idea is very Zen you can’t change the past only the future. So spinning your wheel and wasting your time back then only makes you a bitter or paralyzed person for moving forward.
I’m still figuring it out. So research is currently being conducted (wink before part III can be written). Personally, I prefer working with dogs and lab rat, much easier than the upright walkers.
Jul 14, 2012 @ 23:10:17
ok spelling and grammer out the window, but running out the door to take care of the older generation….
Jul 17, 2012 @ 04:51:25
wow,ok- so much to digest! so i have lots of homework- thanks so much for taking the time- and i really really mean that! -julie