the universe is a good place

after a long day of trepidation (should i check the blog? there will probably be lots of people who were critical of my last post. i should have been more articulate. i should have said things more clearly. i didn’t really make the point i was trying to make and people probably misunderstood it. i hope i don’t have too many people who were put out. i hope it didn’t come off as too self-deprecating, because that was so not what i was going for. maybe i should re-write it. maybe i should it altogether. sigh.), i checked the blog and found, not only nice comments, but this gem which i am arrogant enough to re-post here because it make me happy:

from katherine:

Third, my new motto – living in a  F.U.N. way.  Future focused without fear, understanding the viewpoint of others and with a noble purpose.  Now pause a moment, you are my hero – you did face city hall with a noble purpose?, your stopping to think about your child and dog’s view point is very “other viewpoint” and ya moved out west – that’s pretty future focused.  I know blogs are a way to talk aloud to regain a sense of mission.  Please trust your past is proof of what’s ahead.  It’s the people who don’t pause to think about their eating habit and kids that have the problem in the long run.  Wishing you fun!

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i actually got on the computer tonight to print out the schedule for the mother earth news fair in puyallup, washington tomorrow. i have been planning for months to go and hear joel salatin speak and tomorrow is the big day. only i have been spending the last 48 hours totally psyching myself out about all the reasons i really can’t go.

so this will be a real test for me to see if i can take a big-girl pill and get myself to the fair.

wish me luck and stay tuned!

thank you maya a.

maya angelou has a quote to the effect that when you know better, you do better.

of course, she says this is a more lengthy, albeit it a more poetic, way. but the sentiment is the same, and it brings me comfort and allows me to cut myself some slack when i mess up. and i mess up with alarming frequency.

isn’t is sad/crazy/bizarre/counter-intuitive/mind-blowing/a host of other adjectives that one can be alive this long and still struggle to learn the same old lessons?

my youngest sister is quite quite wise, and i have tried on more than one occasion to cut and paste excerpts from her emails onto my blog so i could share her wisdom with you. i am always astounded that she can just nail exactly what i need to hear in such unique ways.

one of her recent mantras, which she was kind enough to type for me three times over so i would be sure to get it:

You are thousands of miles away from your past.

You are thousands of miles away from your past.

You are thousands of miles away from your past

this is response to me whining that i am so defined by my past. that i either repeat it or react to it, but it defines me nonetheless. yet she found a way to free me from that feedback loop. beautiful, huh?

one of my children is currently struggling with a behaviour that i indulged in, but which i will not be specific about in order to respect their privacy. compared to what teenagers in the “real world” (dumb term, but it helps for clarity) are doing, this is so minor it shouldn’t even count, but it’s on my radar, so i’m discussing it. anyway, i am deliberate in the use of the verb “indulge” because that’s what most bad behaviours start as- an indulgence that we allow ourselves. a drive that we follow. we let ourselves tell that little lie or chew our cuticles or pick our noses and then after a while it is such a badly ingrained habit that it is a real challenge to become consciously aware when we do it and make ourselves choose a substitute behaviour. because it’s not enough to resolve to stop. we have to choose something to do in its place. nature abhors a vacuum and if we just resolve not to do x, then we leave a gaping hole that we will surly fall into. so our original sin becomes a full-blown behaviour issue or character trait, and that’s a real problem.

i didn’t realize the effects this particular behaviour had until i was much older and then i regretted it deeply. i told this child that, and the sad thing is that they realize that they too will one day really regret that they are doing this thing (again, something fairly innocuous let’s say something like cursing. i don’t want to cast them unfairly in a bad light at all!), but they just can’t stop themself (it’s so awkward to use “they” as a neutral singular pronoun, but what can you do- that’s privacy for ya!) . they have let themself indulge so many times that the caboose is now driving the train.

so, when you know better you do better. but i guess there is knowing, and then there is Knowing. and there is KNOWING.

i make bad choices all the time, when i officially know better. just yesterday i skipped lunch so i could eat half a bag of peanut m&m’s (only the blues, greens, and yellows). out of a true sense of guilt and shame, i won’t say here what size bag it was. but let’s say i have enough integrity to admit that it was not a single-serving size.

let’s go over what i Know:

1. if i don’t eat healthy food, i will have less chance of feeling healthy. as it is, by the afternoon of every single day i am in bed getting slammed by migraines. no joke.

2. junk food in moderation is ok. 1/2 a bag of m&m’s is too much.

3. i’m exercising and trying so hard not to gain back the weight that i lost. i tried so so hard to lose it. it’s starting to creep back and i am getting really demoralized. i really don’t want to put that weight back on. but m&m’s are not a low-calorie food.

4. it’s hard to be a good role model of restraint and self-control and all of the other things i try to model for my kids when i eat the aforementioned unspecified quantity of m&m’s. because this was not an isolated incident. (but thank you for being so ready to jump to my defense!) and i’ll skip real meals to compensate for the calories. (yikes! i know!!!)

now let’s go over how i get around knowing what i Know:

1- i’m gonna have migraines no matter what i do. no matter how hard i try to eat right, i can’t get out from under this misery, so why not at least have some happiness in a bag of m&m’s?

2- the m&m’s i ate aren’t really so junky because i got the peanut kind. so they aren’t really so bad. it’s not like i ate solid chocolate. the amount i ate looks like more than it was because of the peanuts bulking it up. and peanuts have protein. so it was really like having a peanut butter sandwich and then a few m&m’s. (yeah, i know- this even looks lame as i type it- but this is what i really think as i eat- so i’m trying to be for real…)

3- i really honestly truly believe in my heart that i’m gonna drink lots of extra water (even though i almost never really do. but i still manage to make myself believe i will this time. how powerful the mind can be to trick you into doing bad, huh???). and now that the weather is getting nicer, i will walk more. i really will. (i have done this precisely once.) but it could happen. and i so wholeheartedly believe that i will. and there is no way that i would ever ever ever walk first and have the m&m’s as a reward. you might as well just kill me now. so diet-wise, this all balances out…

4- and this is perhaps the most painful one to look at honestly, because this is the one with the most profound consequences. i tell myself that my kids will understand. they will see that i struggle. they will see that i’m not perfect, but that i try really hard. they will see that i want to be good, and i want to do the right thing. i hope that i am giving them the tools to do better than i do. this sounds suspiciously like, “do as i say, not as i do” sometimes but i hope it doesn’t. because really they do have different skills and abilities than i have. they also have different challenges. mostly what i do to deal with this is to beat myself up. i am constantly critical of myself, which not only doesn’t help me, it certainly doesn’t help them (i hope i don’t do this in front of them too much- especially my girls- i would hate for them to pick this up. girls have enough to contend with; they don’t need to learn to be self-deprecating from their own mothers!). somehow i feel like this restores cosmic balance. if i at least suffer over my failings, then i’ve done my penance- i know, very catholic, right?!?!- hahaha- i just realized how ironic it is to be writing a post about doing better once you know better, and here i am confessing to beating myself up for normal human failings when i obviously know that it doesn’t do any good at all- DUH!

so, perhaps i need to brush up on my maya angelou.

perhaps i need to get my sister to email me more often (poor her- she’s SO busy!)…

perhaps i’m gonna try again to cut and paste from her so you can all see how awesome she is and then you can all say nice things about her and i can bask in the reflected glory

aha! it worked! so, ok, i’ll leave you all with this- from my sister-it’s beautiful, and uplifting after that downer post. just what we all need for the weekend! enjoy:

being alive is a blessing and I think everyone should take advantage of enjoying everything they can about their lives, and if they aren’t enjoying things, they should whatever they can to change them. We do have control over many things, but the things that are out of our control serve even more valuable lessons….although difficult to understand or rationalize, the best person you can be comes from within and everyday should be lived to its potential- in that way you honor life fully, in all its forms. We owe it to ourselves to be happy and I’d much rather channel positivity for myself and the people I love, than be weighed down with the struggles of the unknown and uncontrollable. There are sad moments for reflection and introspect, but in owning and accepting those moments, the ego can overcome self pity, and help heal itself.

i keep on falling…

nothing bad, don’t worry…

i was just thinking about that alicia keys song- if you don’t know it, you should. it’s hauntingly pretty as well as so many other things… but that has nothing to do with this post.

have you missed me? because i’ve missed you all for sure! i haven’t done too much worth writing about. i’ve had lots of migraines, done lots of soul searching about whether i’m really doing what i can/should to fulfil my purpose on earth (as if we can ever know what that is, right? and it’s all very self-indulgent anyway to assume that either i’m so mighty that i can/should be accomplishing great things or that i’m so cruddy/lowly that i couldn’t possibly be expected to do much anyhow… in either case, this is a huge digression from the intended point of this post. but it almost became its own fun ramble, didn’t it?)

we lost another 3 chux- 2 from dog and one from sex.

yes, of course i’ll explain.

a few weeks ago (i hope you’ll forgive me for not posting this sooner, but i was literally too upset to even write about it) dakota killed ginger crowcat and petunia grant. it was a friday afternoon and dakota actually ran out between my legs so quickly i swear i didn’t even see the muzzle flash. lots of screaming and clouds of feathers later i saw that she’d gotten another 2 of the girls. and i couldn’t even think of somewhere to bury them that dakota wouldn’t be able to dig them up.

enough about that.

from our original batch of baby rhode island reds we still had 2 left- my daughter’s lacy and my son’s copper. while lacy looks like an average hen- maroon with some black near her tail, copper got these gorgeous iridescent green tail feathers. she was literally almost double the size of lacy, although they were the same age. she was starting to get some really pretty coloring around her neck too. and she could puff out those feathers when she wanted to. if you’re a chicken person, i’ll bet you’re rolling on the floor laughing right now. but if you’re naive like me, keep reading. one day i noticed that when madge came over to peck at copper for eating, copper jumped on her back, and i was like, “yeah, copper- stand up for yourself!” i saw her do it a few more times, but i figured she was just trying to get higher up in the pecking order… my friend’s 4-year-old noticed that copper made a sort of cock-a-doodle-doo noise, and i patiently explained to her, ” no sweetie. copper is a girl chicken, so that’s just her way of saying hi to you. all of the chickens use their voices to say hi!” hello wise kid. hello, dumb adult.

long story short, copper the girl was a gender-bender. she was actually a he, and since we are neither zoned for roosters nor eager to wake up at 5am, copper had to go live back on the farm where we bought him. oh well.

but it was today’s foible that moved me to post. because i had some plumbers in the house and i just fell and fell. and i wanted to do a mea culpa here so you can laugh/relate/save some money.

we found ourselves in the lucky position of getting a hand-me-down dishwasher. since there is an old dishwasher here already, all of the actual plumbing and electrical hookups already exist, so it should be an easy job to just swap them out.

but it’s not.

we’ve called around and priced out the job, and today i was calling companies and one of them said that they couldn’t give me an idea over the phone, but that they did free estimates and that it would be no problem for someone to come on out and check the old and new dishwashers and make sure everything was in working order and give us a quote.

mistake #1- if you let them get in the door, of course you feel obligated to let them do the work. in fact, i even said to the lady on the phone, “i’d hate for them to have to come out to give me a quote if i don’t end up using them. can’t they just ballpark it over the phone? i don’t want to waste anyone’s time.” and she said they didn’t have any jobs this morning, they were just hanging around the office anyway, blah blah blah. so EVEN KNOWING WHAT I KNEW, i was still like, “ok then…”

a company that needs to get their foot in your door is a company that knows about salesmanship and they will try to sell you. not always of course, and clearly their reasons for wanting to see everything before they gave an estimate made sense, but i’m just saying- if you have a standard job and 5 companies say they can give you a straight quote and one wants to come out, this is something to be aware of.

mistake #2- oh those guys are just so darn likable. and they’re so darn cute too. reminded me of my son. if i was younger i might have wanted to grab a coffee with one of them. i gave them cookies. but of course they want you to like them. and unless they have another job waiting, it is worth their time to shmooze you up. because if you like them, you are more likely to buy their service, whether or not their service/price/value is better than the others. cuz you just want to help them out. and you’d give them even MORE if you could. so they know this. and this is why if they have a kind of quiet guy, even if he is an ace at the job, they will send him with the smooth talker. because the smooth talker will close the deal and let the talented guy do the actual work. it’s like college people: wake up! (i say this to myself, of course- not you!)

mistake #3- and this is the big one that i’m SO surprised and shocked that i missed (i’m almost embarrassed to admit it, but i will so you can learn from it)- good salespeople know that when their argument is weak, an appeal to a higher authority almost always works. in every negotiating class i took we learned this principle over and over again. this is in pretty much every decent book on negotiation. so after a lengthy dishwasher discussion, which i won’t bore you with here, i asked him about fixing a leaky sink. *h and i have wondered how high our water bills would have to get before we decided to take care of the problem. this is something the inspector found before we bought the house, so it’s an ongoing thing. and we were about on the edge of our point. so i asked him how much to fix it. i will tell you the actual prices so all you DIY folks can say, “i could fix that for 58 cents!” and everyone with kids can send them to school to become plumbers. he says, “normally it’s $199, but since i’m already here i can do it for you for $150.” and i was like, “WHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?” so i started telling him how everything just cost too much in seattle and i started putting stuff back in the cabinet under the sink (a great negotiating move of my own, even though i wasn’t negotiating- i was for real not gonna spend even close to that!), and i just kept rambling about how i’m still in shock about how expensive everything is, and he was trying to show me all the places the faucet was rusting underneath and all the places in the cabinet that had signs of water damage and i was just ranting and finally he fought me to a draw and i agreed to call *h.

so i talked it over with *h who said to go ahead, and i got off the phone and said, sorry but it’s just too much. can you do it for $100? so- pay attention to this part: he opens his book- HIS BOOK- his super secret plumber’s bible of highly classified prices to charge that shall not be disclosed to the customer under any circumstances- and shows me that for my type of faucet the repair is supposed to be $399 and the add-on price (if they are doing another job and this is in addition) is $199.95, so he’s already cutting me this sweet deal… wait for it…

and i was like, oh, well, that is pretty darn convincing…

I WROTE PAPERS ON THIS STUFF!

try this if you work in an office and if you can get away with it: type up any nonsense. post it prominently. make it look as official as possible. you can get people to do anything if they think Someone Official said to do it. tell them to put all of their cups upside down on the left side of the sink or to please only use forks to stir their coffee from now on. if you type it and make it look official people will do it. very few will ask why or dare to disregard it. even if it’s silly. or pointless. (with the usual exception of renegade gardeners, that is. guess these migraines are really knocking me off my game, huh????)

you can ask someone to do almost anything and if you can point to some mumbo jumbo in a book, they will most likely do it. sometimes the mumbo jumbo doesn’t even have to say anything to do with what you’re telling the person. just seem sincere and act convinced. watch. it will blow your mind.

guess what? if someone made it up (whoever it was who decided that it should go in that book) then someone can un-make it up. simple.

but I FELL FOR IT.

at least i had the self respect to negotiate for a few other things we needed from him to be thrown in as part of the “package”. but really? that job probably should have cost 58 cents.

but *h and i don’t know plumbing and we can’t risk breaking stuff and this is what i am now going to term “the ignorance tax”. when you don’t know something, and you don’t have the time/energy/inclination to learn, you’re going to pay. one way or another.

so, what can i say? i keep on falling…

do you see what i see?

on the last post, i saw photos, but you all saw only squares…

some of you mentioned red x’s…

at least i know you are all paying attention, but i’m sorry you didn’t get to see the pretty flowers in our yard…

maybe i can round up a teenager to sort it out…

i’m also having trouble with cutting and pasting from emails onto the blog.

do you think i have a demonic possession?

in an effort to make it up to you, here’s a super yummy recipe from my good friend E:

boil one bunch of asparagus how you like it, and then pour the following dressing over it and put it in the fridge.

1 clove crushed garlic (i might confess to using 3-5)

2-3 TBSP olive oil

juice of one lemon (i am easily persuaded to use substantially more) OR a few TBSP of bottled lemon juice

1-1/2 TBSP dijon mustard

a bit of water, if needed (i never add it)

shake all together and pour over asparagus

i imagine this dressing would also be great over boiled potatoes, and possibly other veggies as well. but it’s sooooooooooo good over asparagus…YUM!

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and here’s a summery recipe that’s great for picnics and my kids love. you can add or subtract veggies depending on what your family likes.

RAINBOW SALAD:

1 red pepper

1 yellow pepper

1 can baby corn

1 cup snow peas

1 carrot

10 raw green beans

1/2 red onion

1/4 cup sugar

1/3 cup apple cider vinegar or balsamic vinegar

1/4 tsp salt

1/8 cup oil

1/4 tsp garlic powder

wash and chop all veggies

mix all dressing ingredients

mix everything together and let sit at least a few hours in the fridge for the flavors to blend before serving.

this is a great way to use up bits and odds and ends of extra vegetables you have around. the composition of this salad changes every time we make it, and as long as the dressing is the same, my kids love it.

enjoy!

 

 

*h hard at work

 

ain’t love grand???

where have all the flowers gone?

don’t be envious, but apparently, they have gone to my backyard

in a stroke of pure genius- clearly anticipating that they would one day sell their house to a clod who knows nothing about succession planting- the previous owners of this house planted a gajillion bushes that all flower in various colors and at various times.

what does this mean to us?

this means that on any given day, my backyard is a constantly changing kaleidoscope of color. the palate literally changes from day to day, and sometimes it seems like from hour to hour, and i am having such fun with all of this explosion of unexpected color that i often forget these things are flowers and just stare- mouth agape (not too attractive, and what’s that about anyway? why do folks do that when their attention is absorbed? like if i concentrate on something my brain forgets to close the mouth? like that takes so much brain power normally? seriously- do any of you have theories on that???)- and then other family members come over and they stare too.

i imagine that early settlers of wherever used to do this, and i think i used to do this in the garden- just marvel at what was around. like- inhale breath- ”wooooooooooooooooooooooooow.” exhale slowly. “this is sort of ours.” sharp inhale again. “woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow…”

so succession planting is something i have a lot of trouble with. i get the concept. i love the concept. i just can’t figure out how to make it work.

it shouldn’t be that hard, i know. i’m reasonably intelligent. find a crop that you harvest at a certain date and then plant something that can be planted at that later date and plant it. but i can’t get it right on paper. so i never sit down to do it.

so i never would actually have done these flowering bushes in the yard.

because whoever did it not only made sure that they were different colors, but they spread them around and they made sure that they would spring open and bloom so that there would always be something coming into color and something waiting to open and at least a few things in full bloom.

and that just leaves me in awe.

and it’s super pretty.

and i wish we could find a camera so we could put up some photos.

or i wish i knew artists because then not only could i pretentiously name-drop them here and say, “oh it looks just like a so-and-so”, but also i could paint you a mental picture.

but i can’t really.

i can tell you that there are lots of reds and some pinks. no oranges (yay! i really really don’t like orange…) lots of shades of the same color… lots of variations of green…HAH! i just went to look to tell you what else and today we have a full bush of purple- from nowhere- just like that! beat that! amazing!

imagine buying a house that meets your needs and keeps giving you gifts every day!

imagine every day being christmas morning!

i’ve already arranged with a friend that she will give me half the haul from her plum tree (yum!) in exchange for half the haul from our asian pear tree (which we don’t love as much)- so every time i look at that tree i literally see mason jars of jam in my storage area.

i’ve had another beat-your-head-against-the-wall multi-day migraine, so it’s mighty nice to look outside and remember all the blessings that have been showered on our family.

i hope you’ve had blessings showered on yours as well.

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look what *h just emailed me- maybe we can even get a few more to really show off later!

see if you can find the new link i just added to the side of the blog…

go on. it’s fun!

yes, i’m showing off my technical prowess. but i’m also trying to drum up some good old support for another michigander just trying to get by for her family.

since i still can’t comment on a facebook page, but i’m assuming that at least some of you can, send her my regards, ok?

not my father’s oldsmobile

and not my tennis court.

but wouldn’t it be great if it was?

wouldn’t it be great if this was my new front yard garden? or even my back yard garden?

but it’s still cool, because it’s a community garden. this photo is from the KGI website (their link is on the side of my blog, cuz i’m so techy!).

i’m feeling so inspired to plant!!!!!!!

(but dakota’s feeling equally inspired to dig!!!!!!!!!!!)   :(

so what’s an underworked renegade gardener to do???????

p.s.- when i just did spellcheck on this post, ‘underworked’ came up as ‘underworld’ or ‘undercooked’.  gotta love that!

more on the animal within

i’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of training versus teaching- and although this is sure to be politically incorrect, i’m going to post my thoughts anyhow.

i think that we want to believe that most of what we do is learn, and most of what we do with others is teach, when what it really boils down to is training and being trained. yes, in the ideal there is teaching behind the training, but in the moment, lots of life is lather-rinse-repeat. let me explain.

many behaviours that i want to see from my children are behaviours that i want them conditioned to do. i want them conditioned to say “excuse me” when they burp, and to say “thank you” when they are given something, and to help when they see someone needs it (when it’s obvious, like when groceries are being brought in. i’m not talking here about deep existential ideals.)

i need to say “excuse me” when i bump into someone in a store, and that needs to be reflexive. even though afterward i might quite properly reflect on why i was in such a hurry, or why i thought that my own needs should take precedence over that other person’s- in the moment what is required is instant civility- i.e. training, not teaching.

training is what separates us from our animal selves. without the veneer of civility that training brings, we are only slaves to gratifying our desires, and that is the very definition of an animal. if my body wants x, i seek x. if my physical reality is y, i respond to y. but as  a human, i can apply reasoning (that there is a purpose beyond my immediate circumstance) and i can also apply my training to allow me to respond appropriately. so if i’m hungry and you’re eating a chocolate bar, i don’t have to pounce on you and snatch it from you and gobble it up. if i’m a badly trained 2-year-old, i might very well grab that candy, and that’s one of the reasons that kids who are poorly (or not at all) parented are such nightmares once they get to school. the longer they go without being trained to appropriately deal with their desires, the harder it will be to socialize them. what’s been trained is their inner animal, and it’s been trained to get gratified, almost every time, and almost at any cost.

and take note that this happens at both ends of the socioeconomic spectrum. just like the child of the crackhead will steal candy and bologna from the corner store because they need what they need, the overindulged brat in the multi-million dollar house who has had his every whim catered to will be just as bad. both think that they have to gratify themselves at other people’s expense. and while i am certainly less likely to condemn a kid for needing to eat than a rich kid for stealing another kid’s i-pod just because he wanted it, all i am trying to point out here is that if kids don’t have adults in their lives to make them feel safe and set limits for them and teach them that they can be ok within set boundaries, those kids will grow up to run roughshod over everyone else. (take note overindulgant suburban parents- you are creating monsters!!!)

but regardless of that training, our inner animal doesn’t go away. we still need to eat and sleep and be warm. we still need love and shelter and companionship (oh the frustration!), so we have to do a lifelong balancing act.

we teach the human in us, but we must train the animal.

as humans, we must seek to understand the reasons for things that our age and IQ and life experience and wisdom will allow us to understand. but as animals, sometimes we just need to fall back on our training.

so i don’t have to understand or even agree with everything in the world to train my kids- and myself- so that some things should just become second nature.

like: if you drop it, pick it up.

if you open it, close it.

lather-rinse-repeat. second nature. training.

here’s one we are working on: the world is not your personal trash can, so no, you may not throw garbage out of the car window. i figure it should only take me another 8 or 10 million times of repeating it before it becomes a habit for them to just hear the tape playing in their own heads and then they won’t even ask, because they’ll either hear my voice saying it (a decent option), , or just know it’s not an option so they’ll take it off the table and stop even thinking about it (the better option). hopefully it will become automatic. and that’s training.

here’s another one we are working on:

kid: (you must say this is a pitchy whine) i’m huuuuuuuuuuungry.

me: are you hungry, or just bored?

kid: (looking like they’ve never heard me ask this before, and are genuinely perplexed. this is obviously a novel idea. never mind that we’ve had this same dialogue, or a variation of it, more times than i can count.): “oh. maybe bored. um. what do we have to eat?” (this is great. a glorious parenting moment. clearly i am being listened to, right?)

me: “maybe if you’re bored you should try getting a drink of water and then doing _________________________” (and here i will suggest any of 19,000 things there are to do. if none of these appeal to the kid in question, i will start suggesting jobs that need to be done around the house. this usually reminds them of something they were just about to do…)

my hope is that one day, they will automatically check  in with their own Self and assess: am i truly hungry, or just bored? it can become a trained thing to do- so we don’t need to repeat this dialogue, because they will automatically know what to do when they get that familiar restless feeling…

so, sometimes we act, and sometimes we react. sometimes we are humans, and sometimes we are not so much.

sometimes we are trained, but we are always trainable.

and at least that gives me hope.

any thoughts?

deconstructing dakota, deconstructing ourselves

i woke up this morning making mental lists of all the reasons i don’t like dakota. it’s good that *h is out of town so he doesn’t have to be a witness to this, since he loves dakota and this would cause him a lot of pain. he will probably read this, but he’ll know i’m mostly venting.

in general, i think it’s tough for most people to not like something that’s cute and fluffy, and most people who come over comment on how pretty dakota is. this makes *h like her more and makes me dislike her more.

why? you might ask. it’s a legitimate question, so i’ll give you an honest answer. it’s one my friends and family have heard before, so if this shpiel is familiar to you, feel free to skip it.

i call dakota the cheerleader. she’s the poster of what a dog should look like. she could be a dog pin-up. if you put a few mountains in the background, or some snow or a rainbow, she could pose for a dog calendar. yes, she’s that pretty. and i feel like she uses that to get what she wants.

which sends me back to that high school mindset of hating her for not earning what she gets.

other dogs have to behave or be good or work hard for compliments and treats and adoring fans, but dakota is a fan magnet. it kind of makes me gag.

of course *h puffs up with pride every time someone tells him how beautiful dakota is, because he has a trophy dog. he’s got the prettiest dog at the dog park. he’s the lucky winner.

but yesterday’s incident brought up something else i don’t like about dakota that simmers just below the surface on a fairly constant basis, and that is that she is poorly trained.

yeah, i know. big shock, right?

dakota has been to obedience classes, where she has charmed the teachers. she has practiced her tricks, and she can give you her paw for a treat from now until infinity. she will sit for a treat almost always (except when she is running away or killing my chickens, obviously)- but i think that the things she is able to do are show stunts. they don’t reflect real discipline. they reflect a desire for rewards and an ability to show off when she feels like it.

*h would tell you, honestly, that dakota is 90% trained. i would tell you, honestly, that she is about 20% trained.

i was thinking about all the ways i would tell *h to be more consistent with dakota when he gets back home. i was thinking about all the implications of letting her get away with small transgressions like sleeping on the couch when she’s officially not allowed on it ever, or letting her stay outside when we call her in and she doesn’t come, or not disciplining her when she jumps up on guests.

but then i started thinking about myself.

i started thinking about all the ways that i do or don’t train myself each day to be the person i say i want to be to.

all the times i yell at my youngest instead of getting up to guide her in the behaviour i want from her.

all the times i threaten my kids with consequences instead of trying to understand why they are not doing what i asked them to do and trying to find a way that we can all win (no, i am not a hippy dippy parent that thinks families are democracies. but i don’t think they have to be tyrannies either.).

all the times i take one more bite or one more portion of a yummy food instead of thinking of how gross i will feel when i’m overstuffed and how much i will regret it when my clothes are too tight.

all the times i watch a video instead of exercising and check the blog instead of calling my grandma or doing a favor for someone in need.

don’t get me wrong- there are lots and lots of things i do right. there are lots of ways that i set a great example for my kids, and i’m very proud of that. but here’s the take-away from this pondering:

if you don’t practice on the small stuff, you set yourself up for failure on the big stuff.

so if we don’t practice recall with dakota each day when she is calm and not overwhelmed with instinct and desire, there is no way at all that she will come when i call her when she has a nice juicy chicken in her mouth. none.

and if i don’t practice being calm and in control of myself and my desires when i am well-rested and not under pressure, i have exactly zero chance of being the person i want to be when things are tough. none.

so i have to know that, just like lifting weights will gradually make my muscles stronger and enable me to lift more and more weight over time, practicing character development will make my character better and enable me to do better and better when faced with challenges over time.

does this mean the start of a new and improved julie?

i’d love to say an unequivocal “yes!” but we all know that would be a lie.

i think it will be more of a ‘one day at a time’ kinda thing, and i hope i won’t lose sight of my goal.

for today at least, i’m going to try to really wrap my head around the concept that dakota getting the chicken was our fault- for lack of training and lack of discipline- and my fault, for not watching her when i opened the door. it was not her fault, because she was only doing what she could reasonably be expected to do, given the circumstances. i’m going to try to be less angry and more forgiving. and maybe practicing with the dog will help develop that muscle in me until it gets strong enough that i can practice it on people (an area in which i need lots and lots of help).

i’ve been watching a show -dog the bounty hunter. one of his lines particularly struck me last night, and i want to share it with you here:

where mercy is shown, mercy is given.

isn’t that beautiful?